how to train for a half marathon and still somehow gain weight

How to train for a half marathon and somehow still gain weight: a 12-week program
Week Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
1 Think about running Think about running Spend ~$100 on shoes when the cute salesman at fleet feet tells you you overpronate Spend 30 minutes at work doing research on energy gels Think about running Think about running Run ~2  miles.
2 It’s kind of raining a little bit! You shouldn’t run today. Run 4 miles when you thought you had run 3! You’re doing great! Have some chocolate milk! “Stretch and strengthen” Rest Think about running Run ~3 miles. Skip your long run so you can go see a movie instead.
3 You didn’t run yesterday. Run ~4 miles. Stretch and strengthen Stretch and strengthen Stretch and strengthen Stretch and strengthen Who are you kidding? Drink. You’ve only run once this week. Guilt run ~4 miles.
4 Stretch and strengthen Run 3 miles. 40 minute cross training Sleep through morning run, but you intended to run, so it kind of counts. Run through the neighborhood with your roommates singing “you don’t know you’re beautiful” Rest You’re just really busy.
5 This week is going to be different! Run 4 miles! 30 minute cross training! You are a rockstar! Start complaining to friends about your “athletic injuries” You’re going to run tomorrow You’re going to run tomorrow You’re going to run tomorrow There’s always next week.
6 Maybe you just need some motivation. Run to Firehook bakery! ~4 miles Think about running Think about running Casually mention that you can’t go to happy hour because you “have to train.” Sleep through morning run That bakery thing seemed to work right? Run 5 miles! Good work! Too hung over.
7 UNANTICIPATED REALLY EXPENSIVE TWO WEEK TRIP TO BRAZIL YOU’VE BEEN HAVING A REALLY ROUGH TIME AT WORK THOUGH YOU JUST DO YOU GIRL
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9 Realize you’re still doing this. Run ~6 miles followed by ice cream. Jet-lag, amirite? Jet-lag, amirite? Run ~6 miles. Tell everyone at work you’re doing this so you can’t back out even though you really probably should at this point. 4 mile run 2 mile run. Damn girl, 4 runs a week? Have some more fries, you’re an athlete now.
10 Catch the fear. Run 10 miles. Outrun a rainstorm. You are invincible! You ran 10 miles yesterday! Have an extra taco. Two days ago, you ran 10 miles! Have an extra taco. Three days ago, you ran 10 miles! Have an extra taco. Stretch and strengthen Fuck it, just run to popeyes. Try to run 6 miles. Run 4 instead. Count it.
11 30 minute cross Stretch and strengthen 30 minute cross Stretch and strengthen Run 7 miles at a pretty solid clip. I think it’s called “tapering.” I think it’s called “tapering.”
12 Run ~4 miles. Don’t want to tire yourself out. Come up with super sweet team name. Make t-shirts! Try to find where you bookmarked all those energy gels on yoru work computer Don’t forget to make a playlist! Carbo load like you’re running a full marathon Race Day!Don’t worry. Somehow, you will actually get through this.